Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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