I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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