Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
