I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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