If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
