I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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