the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
