I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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