I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
