I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
