people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
