Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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