Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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