My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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