You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
