I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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