An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
