is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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