I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
