I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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