The maid of honor just puked.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
