It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
