it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
