I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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