umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
