dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
