so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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