If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
