george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Never joke about your clitoris.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize