Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
