saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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