You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
