Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
