Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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