We won't sleep together?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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