I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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