So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
