yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
