I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
