if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
