my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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