Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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