Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
