We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
