Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The air taste purple.
Randomize
