A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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