if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
