A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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