I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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