worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
