Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
