i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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