The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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