Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize