he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
