I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
