Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
