he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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