Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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