She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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