I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
